The Universe Is Inside

Quoted from a letter from RW Emerson to T. Carlyle

2008-01-08T14:20:00.000-05:00

L: Thomas Carlyle; R: Ralph Waldo Emerson (Images curtesy of wikimedia.org)
"Yet the great truths are always at hand, and all the tragedy of individual life is separated how thinly from that universal nature which obliterates all ranks, all evils, all individualities. How little of you is in your will! Above your will how intimately are you related to all of us! In God we meet. Therein we are, hence we descend upon Time and these infinitesimal facts of Christendom, and Trade, and England Old and New. Wake the soul now drunk with a sleep, and we overleap at a bound the obstructions, the griefs, the mistakes, of years, and the air we breathe is so vital that the Past serves to contribute nothing to the result."

In this letter of September 1836, Ralph Waldo Emerson implores Thomas Carlyle to take better care of his health - Emerson had just lost his brother Charles aged 27, and Carlyle was working fiendishly to re-write his book on the French Revolution which had been accidentally destroyed by a friend, damaging his health.

Carlyle reminds me of the way I work - shunning friends and family, focusing solely on the work at hand - and Emerson's imploring to look beyond our own little will to the All, to God to our communal life in Christ strikes home.

Can a life-long Carlyle change mid-life into an Emerson?

Wondrous hope in the grace of Christ

2007-12-22T17:28:00.000-05:00

What do you do when everyone and everything seems to be against you now that you have embarked on a new direction in life, started a new life's work or project you believe in?

Everyone, even strangers, seems to assume 'you're wrong' and tells you you can't do what you're trying to do. You can divert criticism for a while by insisting that: they are the ones that're wrong, and I am right, that I know what I am doing; they know nothing, they are nothing; they are the ones worth nothing; because I know more and am worth something, I am somebody!'; and you cling to a will-o'-the-wisp pride and self-esteem which is quickly slipping away, refusing to face the truth that you are struggling beyond your means.

They tell you to stop trying so hard, that it will only go as it will, and so to take it easy. Quit while you still can.

The answer both is and isn't to stop struggling.

Yes, you stop struggling in the sense of stop denying, resisting and refusing to accept reality.

But, you do not refuse the hardship of looking straight at the less-than-ideal self that you are running away from. You do not refuse the hardship of acknowledging what you are experiencing - that you are encountering a seemingly impenetrable wall, a seemingly endless frustration, a seemingly insurmountable impasse of "long hours of hard work with no results" with your life's project; and are taking it out on everyone and everything around you; perceiving slights, intended and unintended.

You do stop struggling in a sense that you acknowledge reality without resisting; you akcnowledge that you weren't as good or as advanced as you'd thought and wished you were; and reconsider soberly your current capabilities. You stop struggling in a sense that you acknowledge the reality of where you are now without beating yourself up with the futility of thinking why I can't have been more talented or why I can't improve faster.

You do not refuse the hardship of endless exercise, grueling training, increasingly challenging practice, observing and incorporating constructive feedback, diligent repetition etc. that is required for you to improve. You need to be telling yourself: this is where I am, not way better as I'd thought or wished; this wasn't as easy or as simple as I'd first assumed. You need to be returning constantly to the ideal of where you would really like to be, instead of harping on the need to see results now. You need to continue perhaps exactly what you have been doing but in a different state of mind: instead of clenching jaws and doing all with fierce will power, hang on to faith that God will provide the strength to continue even though you may not see immediate results and you feel that you cannot persevere.

You do not refuse the hardship of admitting that perhaps somewhere along the way you continued on with your endeavors for the wrong reasons: get ahead, make up for lost time, loss of faith = fear that your goal is escaping you, show someone that you're better than they, prove to yourself that you can go it alone, etc. Once you allow - despite the feeling that you are giving in to some evil force that is there to defeat you - that you are trying to do things yourself instead of trusting the process (training, progress, etc.); then at that very point of letting go though you feel you desperately need to keep going, you create an entry point for quickening, grace, hope and peace, and realize beyond all comprehension that you cannot do, and have not done, anything without God; you actually feel some force moving you toward your goal; that that movement or force had always been there; and you had been getting in its way rather than helping, by trying to make everything happen by yourself. Once you admit, allow, let go, trust, therein comes Christ to your midst and blessing to your endeavors.

Feel Younger

2007-12-06T14:43:00.000-05:00

I was asked to show ID (for age verification) the other day when buying cough syrup at Target.... However, the best under-estimation of my 30-something age by far has been by my nephew. He suddenly decided to tell me his age while building train tracks:

"I'm 3!"

Then proceeded to ask me my age:

"Are you 5?"

We always confine the world around us to our small perspective; how limited we all can be when we don't realize that possibilities defy our best imagined guesses.

2007-11-03T05:25:00.000-05:00

The Ouroboros - the snake that eats its own tail - is a Jungian archetype that denotes the initial, pre-conscious state of mind. (Plato describes it as the first living creature on earth - c. Timaeus. The creature having no eyes or ears or any senses, because there is only him in the world and nothing else.) Upon waking one morning, I had the image of an Ouroboros, breaking its circle, letting go of eating his own tail and uncoiling like a cat stretching out of sleep. At first I believed its symbolism to mean that I have (my mind has) unraveled from all the years of unproductive, circular, solipsistic futility, and have at last (re)gained full consciousness (Jungian 'individuation'). But I believe it is a process I will repeat time and again, especially when I start something new.

Taking heart

2007-08-02T05:31:00.000-05:00

SI think I finally know what it means 'to take heart'. How disconnected I'd been! - Been trying to orchestrate my life and body from an outside standpoint somehow; when what I needed was to reside in the place deep within my body's living center (the heart) to respond to the more immediate, subtler, finer voice (like a liquid filament) that appears as vaporous threads unraveling from my heart. I'm happy there, perfectly blissful - and that gives me courage whenever I - my mind - believe I'm somehow failing in my efforts. All this time I'd been second guessing everything to do with myself, because I had been disconnected from this center, my heart. The heart of me. Not only of my body, but of my life, of 'me through time'.

In a way, I'd been trying to bypass the intricate system of involuntary communication that connects all of my body to one another via my brain, and replace it with a less intricate, bumbling, second-guessing one of conscious control via my conscious mind. I'd been doing double work! And all this time, all I had to do was reside in my heart, and let go of control. My body then moves freely to make itself more comfortable, more efficiently productive and nourished, perfectly happy when I would have imagined fatigue, boredom, impasse, defeat, etc., looking on anxiously from outside.

This must be the yoke that Jesus was talking about - 'my yoke is easy' - for all who labor (unnecessarily). I feel blessed, protected, safe, hopeful, blissful, quiet (peaceful), and in harmony with the ever-growing world that is ever being created to perfection.

So take on the yoke, and take heart!

Free

2007-07-17T10:01:00.001-05:00

I have been released from the tyranny of reason and of the stomach. Odd combination, but true though related only indirectly. My mind does not know everything - yes, I knew this in theory, but somehow reverted to the opposite in practice. After thinking things through, I have to let go of my ideas for better ones to come or else always struggle, always go against the grain, always apply brute will power to bring things about... and for what, they fail most of the time. But the ideas that come from the ether - what the little bird tells me - never fail; and I believe that. Yes, Kant said, reason ends to leave room for faith. Christ left our physical, material world to awaken our faith. Believe!

As for my stomach - I realized I was always conscious of it in whatever I did; jogging; working; of course, eating and drinking. I was always concerned by its many sounds, sensations, degrees of full-/emptiness - all of which I could only guess and interpret with disastrous results. I now ignore it. It does not tell me when my body really needs this or that nutrition; it does not tell me when I have eaten enough of a particular food. (Mind you, reason does not tell me this either.) It can growl and churn and stop up and be achey all it wants, it will not stop me from running until I have run enough, eating when I really need to, or stopping eating when I do not need any more food. My mouth waters in a delightful way when I am hungry, and what my body needs tastes good. I am through with second-guessing my stomach, and the Japanese 80%-full mentality.

Eating is now a delightful pleasure. I am the thinnest I have been without trying.

Thinking and thought are a miraculous delight; ideas do not originate in reason; they come from the ether, the Universe Inside; I wait upon the Lord's good pleasure, and He (the Universe Inside) gives me my heart's desire.

In newness

2007-07-11T04:46:00.000-05:00

My Biblical cosmology has changed. I now understand 'earthly things' as those material things, events and phenomena we can touch and see, etc., the physical domain; and the 'kingdom of heaven' as the ideal, eternal, infinite universe we live in our hearts and minds. The Universe Is Inside. And God is the God of the Universe. Christ is the Universe.

2007-07-05T03:12:00.000-05:00

Postscript

2006-11-27T19:12:00.000-05:00

About children: my two year-old nephew was bitten in the face by my sister's dog, a dog he knew well. He bled and bled, and needed hundreds of stitches. But he never despaired or became depressed. He would point to his face and say that the dog bit him; he knew what had happened; he knew the frightening thing that had happened to him, but that did not frighten him. He still goes over to dogs to pet them - big ones, little ones. An adult would need years of therapy for post-traumatic disorder. Jesus' ordeal I sometimes think could only have been endured by one who is as unfettered by fears and anxieties as a happy two year old - although I know Jesus suffered. It could only have been, but it wasn't; and therein lies the miracle of Jesus.

Matthew - Light in darkness

2006-11-27T17:19:00.000-05:00

Discovery #24

A Canaanite woman asks Jesus to heal her daughter (15:21-28). Not an Israelite (his people) not even a Samaritan, but a hated Canaanite. Jesus tries to shake her off by putting her in her place (a pagan); but she insists, undeterred by slurs - even a dog eats the crumbs that fall from the master's table. An exercise in extreme humility; an image of a mother desperate for her daughter's sake. A woman who knows her place in the earthly and divine hierarchies. There is something almost frightening in that - something one cannot emulate, but only does out of desperation.

#25
Jesus feeds the multitudes with 7 loaves of bread and a few small fish. Happy images; relaxing and merriment by the lakeside.

#26
Jesus warns his disciples of the 'yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees'. (16:1-12) It is so easy to doubt; so easy to point out inconsistencies. So hard - it requires all I've got - to not give up on following Jesus; my failings get in the way, defeatist thinking blocks the view; despair is always just around the corner; guilt clouds even my heart...

#27
Jesus praises Peter for his faith in seeing him as Messiah; but in the next breath, Peter, the rock, has stumbled, by trying to protect Jesus, his beloved master, from the hands of priests, elders and other authorities. Jesus repeats his warning: do not look for something to live for in this life; but set your sights on the treasures in heaven, the coming eternal life. It is not in the earthly life with Jesus that the disciples are to find their meaning and life, but in the next life, the ideal life to come that we are all so not ready for.

#28
Jesus' transfiguration. To me, this event is like the sign of things to come. Jesus in full glory - but that he returns to his more normal form seems to indicate that we are not ready to see him in this way. I recall having felt regret that we could not have sent Jesus off at this point - with the whole world faithfully attending, our hearts all turned toward him and heaven. We are like kindergarteners watching the older kids demonstrate the performance we are supposed to learn and reproduce. It all seems too hard, too complicated - we're just not ready.

#29
Jesus says to his disciples: unless you change and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever becomes humble like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. Children are by no means innocent beings. My two year old nephew, as adorable as he is, teaches me that children are full of the tendency to go wrong. They can be willful and rebellious. But something about them makes them closer to God than the most pious of adults. They don't worry about tomorrow (at least those fortunate enough to have parents that can provide for them), they dream about the future, they give their all to their play and studies, and want to please their parents. If we are to draw an analogy: we are the children, and our parents, God; are we to live like we did as a child...? It sounds very fairy-tale and dreamy. I know that as soon as I return to real, everyday life, something or other will blindside me out of this dreamy state. We all know childlike people; we also tangibly see 'sobering' forces attacking those childlike people. When we see them 'grow up' and become weathered and tired like the rest of us, though we are not glad, it seems the way it should be (from the worldly point of view). Occasionally, we see childlike people live past the attacks, the mockeries, the snide remarks, the put-downs,... Is that how Jesus wants us to live? A little, vulnerable but peppy voice of faith? Unshaken and our sights set on the 'future' (kingdom of heaven)?

#30
The ancients, like most of us today, believe that the blessings of God are manifest in this life as earthly abundance and wealth. And yet, Jesus tells the disciples that it is harder for a rich man to enter heaven than a camel to go through the eye of a needle! It is certainly true that the more we have, the more we feel entitled to what we have; whereas, when we have very little, the little we have, we feel we can give freely. A blessing in this life is not all well and good - it tempts us away from preserving our heart for our rewards in heaven, into attaching ourselves and the meaning of our life to earthly rewards.

#31
And yet, Jesus says he desires mercy not sacrifice (9:13) Don't squander your wealth (if you have it) recklessly, but give out of mercy and compassion to those who need it. And for those who do not have wealth, stop envying those who do, and set your sights on heaven. We all fail to do what is asked of us by God in some way or another; what seems to matter is whether we do our best to keep God's commandments, and make decisions and respond according to the laws of heaven or of the material world. It is hard; the material world seems to come with its own expectations and 'laws' like magnetic fields that sucker us in when we are weak, overworked, overtired, underpaid... Lord, strengthen my faith.

#32
Jesus condemns the figtree: (21:18-22) At this point, I do not blame Jesus for doing this. How frustrating the world must be to him - full of stumbling blocks for the spiritually faithful. But what Jesus says is not an expression of despair about this hateful world; but an expression of faith: Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain, "Be lifted up and thrown into the sea" it will be done. Whatever you ask for in prayer with faith, you will receive.' So, all the time that I met with stumbling blocks in the real, material world, instead of saying: you see, you can't live with your head in the clouds; instead of that, Jesus tells us to say: it is the material world that is not right; whatever goes wrong there doesn't matter; little things don't matter; what matters is that my heart is always faithful to Jesus' word; and when it is not, repentant.

#33
For many are called few are chosen: 'The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who gave a wedding banquet for his son.... but those who had been invited... would not come. They made light of it and went away, one to his farm, another to his business, while the rest seized his slaves, mistreated them, and killed them. The king was enraged. He sent his troops, destroyed those murderers, and burned their city. Then he said to his slaves, "...those invited were not worthy. go therefore into the main streets, and invite everyone you find.... But when the king came into see the guests, he noticed a man there who was not wearing a wedding robe,.... and had him thrown out. '

#34
(23:1-39) Ours is not a religion for the faint-hearted.... 'Therefore I send you prophets, sages, and scribes, some of whom you will kill and crucify, and some you will flog in your synagogues and pursue from town to town, so that upon you may come all the righteous blood shed on earth, from the blood of righteous Abel to the blood of Zechariah...' 'The measure you give will be the measure you get' (Mk 4:24). No one, not the (self) righteous Pharisees and Saducees, the decent rich man, the disciples, ... no one can escape the light of God which shines upon all aspects of us, good and bad. What can we do but to pray that our hearts be turned, that our ways be improved, that our faith be strengthened. I feel at this point, that I am hanging for dear life from a thread on Jesus' hem.

#35
What can we do but to surrender our life to God's judgment and submit to the consequences, hoping in his mercy and grace.

#36
How much I do hope for God's mercy and grace - sometimes depending on it as I cut corners and hide my failings and feelings of guilt.

#37
Be ready (24:32 - 25:46) I am not ready. I haven't repented enough for the sins I have committed, and for the sins I continue to commit daily. Jesus prepares for his own death (26:46), and the rest of us follow, stricken in our hearts about our failings and about Jesus leaving from among us. But there are none other for Jesus. We, Christians, are it. If not us, then who else. I am strengthened by this thought; however much we fail, our hearts are with Jesus; and by the grace of God, let us be faithful....

#38
Peter the rock stumbles again. 'I do not know the man!' Peter claims, three times, even after he had been warned by Jesus that he would do this. He weeps bitterly. Why do we fail? But on people such as us Jesus' church stands... I'm humbled and feel a sense of compassion - rather than criticism - for those who serve in the church. The more we try to do good, the more we fail, it seems; but there are people who commit their entire life to trying.

#39
They (we) spat on Jesus! (27:27-31) All our failings come to this: we ignore, disparage, hurt, and kill Jesus - I may not have been the one to actually do this, but every time I cut a corner and get caught up in the material world with all its monsters and goblins (anxieties and fears), it is the same type of movement of the heart as spitting on Jesus. What can I do for Jesus in this life? What can I do to make up for all my failings, to keep making up for all my failings?

#40
Jesus cries: 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?' (27:46). It is the cry of someone for whom it is all too much - and that is exactly the point of his death. Jesus did everything that was possible for him to do; at the point it became impossible to endure, God took him away. One fear I have had to acknolwedge is being trapped in my own death - that is, having no way to save myself and having to accept my own inevitable demise. After acknowledging that, I don't fear it so much any more. But still I battle with inner goblins and monsters that make me anxious about my future, my health, my life... All that seems to pale in comparison to Jesus' end - so much pain (emotional and physical) and suffering, and he endured it all with grace. It is possible if God wills it.

#41

Jesus is resurrected and returns to say: 'All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy "spirit and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age.' Amen.

Matthew - grace

2006-11-27T16:35:00.000-05:00

Discovery #22

Even as we fail miserably in our little task of following in faith, Jesus says: 'Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. for my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.' My burden isn't heavy - at least not compared to others'. And yet, it feels heavy to me, and I give over to Jesus, who lightens my load. His words call to mind my childhood, when I did something really stupid that was a rather serious inconvenience to my parents; my parents forgave me, because I did not mean to do something wrong; I just didn't know better. Contrite heart. I also recall that there was no end to my testing of my parents' love and patience; I didn't mean to but the more I went about my business, the more I burdened them, worried them, hurt them, pained them. There is no end to our need of Jesus, and in his infinite grace, Jesus never says 'no'.

#23
@#$% off! I want to say to the doubters that say to Jesus things like: 'Is it lawful to cure on the sabbath?' My reaction is peppered by my own sense of guilt and inadequacy for failing to meet Jesus where he is; for failing to give the glorious, earthly send-off that he deserved; for failing despite my resolve not to; failing in small and big ways. It is one thing for Jesus to castigate and say: 'you brood of vipers!' Only he has the right to say that - he is not blaming or projecting a repressed sense of failure onto another; he is teaching and preaching. When I or a disciple say it, it is the case of the log in our own eyes reflected in the speck in another's eyes. Quietened and sober, I read on.

#24

I am strengthened somewhat by the parable about the weeds. A servant asks whether he should uproot all the weeds in the newly sewn field of wheat. The master replies: 'No, for in gathering the weeds you would uproot the wheat along with them. Let both of them grow together until the harvest; and at harvest time I will tell the reapers, 'Collect the weeds first and bind them in bundles to be burned, but gather the wheat into my barn.' I feel slightly strengthened by the fact that there is wheat in my barn; the weeds will always be there - not until judgment day will the weeds be destroyed. Until then, I walk humbly and meekly, glad of the grace that is given to me so that despite my failings, I can continue on. Lord, strengthen my faith.

#25

The kingdom of heaven is like...(13:44-50):

'treasure hidden in a field, which someone found and hid; then in his joy he goes and sells all that he has and buys that field';

'a merchant in search of fine pearls; on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it';

'a net that was thrown into the sea and caught fish of every kind; when it was full, they drew it ashore, sat down, and put the good into baskets but threw out the bad. So, it will be at the end of the age. The angels wil come out and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the furnace of fire, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

Will I be among those sold and castaway...? No! I am Christ's own forever! Christ was ransomed for me! There is no sign other than my own faith buttressed by God's grace and my efforts (good works).

#26

I am heartened by the disciple's failings in faith. (14:28-33) Even the best of us stumble and require help from the Lord.

Matthew - I'm losing you

2006-11-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

Discovery #21

When Jesus begins to speak to the crowds about John the Baptist, I feel lost; I feel Jesus going further and further away. He says: Truly I tell you, among those born of women no one has arisen greater than John the Baptist; yet the least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.' I am getting an inkling that all that has been reported in the gospel - the healings, the miracles, the preachings - is only the tip of a massive iceberg. There is more to this story - which we had struggled to understand even up to this point - that we do not understand or that our imaginations fail to capture. He seems to say: I gave you the miniature version of what is to come. It all has to be dismantled before the real event (eschaton) can happen. It's all coming to a head: 'For John came neither eating nor drinking, and they say, "He has a demon"; the son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say,"Look, a glutton and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!"' Nothing, no sign, miracle, healing, good behavior, decency, act of compassion is good enough for the uncomprehending idiots that we are! I get the feeling that Jesus' time on earth could have been a lot different: the whole world might have followed him with faithful hearts, and Jesus's end might have been much different: rising to heaven with his faithful multitude looking on in wonder and love... Instead, the hardness of human hearts, the pettiness, the silliness, the idiocy of our ways, make Jesus' life on earth an obstacle course of doubts, mockeries, violence, resentment and disrespect.

#22
I feel stricken, like I was there; that my faith was not enough, and feel really really sorry.

Matthew - troubled I follow

2006-11-27T15:32:00.000-05:00

Discovery #14

Carrying with me the slight loss of focus in my heart (interlude), I read on about Jesus taking our infirmities and bearing our diseases. (8:1-17) Jesus responds to our faith: 'God, let it be done for you according to your faith.' My faith must be weak; Lord, strengthen my faith.

#15

As if to mirror my own weak faith, a scribe says (seemingly disingenuously) 'I will follow you wherever you go'. Obviously this man does not mean what he says, for if he really knew who Jesus was - a man like none other - he would know that there are places Jesus must go on his own. Jesus replies (seemingly in an appropriately reluctant manner): 'the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.' He seems to say: you have misunderstood me when I said 'follow me'; you've taken me too literally. Jesus asks to listen and accept him, not follow him around blindly and obsequiously. And another says: 'first let me go and bury my father.' Again, Jesus responds in an appropriately off-hand manner: Follow me (now) let the dead bury their own dead. It seems that the man had misunderstood - when the word of God falls upon you, it is meant to fulfill its purpose then and there, not when you have scheduled it into your plans. That I am re-reading Matthew in this way now, must mean that whatever I encounter in spirit, I must act upon. Who knows, maybe the spirit will not come this time. But I push on.

#16

Is it my own fatigue, or does Jesus seem tired when he arrives in his hometown (9:1-37)? Does he ever wonder at the amount of sickness and suffering in the world - did he ever say: how am I going to heal all these people? He comes close to that when he gives instructions to his disciples at the end of the chapter: The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few; therefore ask the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest.' It isn't my mundane fatigue; I do feel overwhelmed by Jesus' ministry. How much he did - heal one by one - and how much more there is to do. He doesn't despair - knowing perhaps that God will accomplish what He has set out to accomplish - but there is a worry that whatever is going to accomplish God's will will have to be quite drastic. A frightening thought in the back of the mind.

#17

The disciples are given authority over unclean spirits - so Jesus seems to be preparing for the next (and the last) work. (10:1-42) He sends them to the Israelites - to gather the lost sheep. The disciples are to be fishers of men and shepherds, not converters and proselytizers. At this point. Gather your community of (lost) faithfuls, Jesus seems to be saying.

#18

Jesus warns his community - his 'household' - that if the unfaithful multitude treats the master badly, the slaves will be treated even more so. (10:24-25) But he doesn't say: go hide and protect yourselves. Instead, he says: 'So have no fear of them; for nothing is covered up that will not be uncovered, and nothing secret that will not become known.' Not at all the way I would normally conduct my life, left to my own devices. I would have expected the maligned master of a household to say: hide and protect yourselves. But Jesus says: '...have no fear.' He goes on to explain: 'Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul; rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell... You are more valuable than many sparrows (that God cares for one by one).' These are the words of a master of a household, who knows he is under severe attack - knows he might even perish - but knows also that the household he has built will endure and live on.

#19

This fight / struggle is not for the fainthearted, Jesus warns. 'Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword.' In order for faith to live on (and perhaps even for Jesus to be resurrected...?) nothing should come first, except Jesus. 'Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me'. This does not mean you ought to malign your parents, family and loved ones; rather that, you cannot be so protective of your own life and that of your beloveds' if you are to help faith / the faithful community live on.

#20

'Those who find their life will lose it, and those who lose their life for my sake will find it.' I interpret this as: those who find life (something to live for) already in the (pre-eschaton) world around them are hanging on to something that will end (death and eschaton); those who turn away from their life (everything they have lived for - family, career, wealth) will gain something they have not experienced: eternal life. Lord, strengthen my faith.

Interlude

2006-11-27T15:17:00.000-05:00

While taking a lunch break from blogging, I broke the cork on a bottle of olive oil and proceeded to spill it everywhere. My doubtful heart immediately griped: whenever the Bible puts me into its 'mood' I always stumble, or fall, or mess up somehow. No, I'm not blaming God for spilled olive oil! (at least I don't think so) The doubt in my mind is: am I doing it - responding to the Word - wrong? The gospel presents such an ideal by which to live, implants the most wondrous hope in our heart, but the first moment we return to our daily life, I think how lofty the ideals are and how far the world is (in material, spirit and heart) from them. As I 'lament' the spill of the delicious, precious olive oil, I find a quietness in my mind that says: it doesn't matter, it is only spilled olive oil.

Matthew - I am yours

2006-11-27T14:03:00.000-05:00

Discovery #7

Chastened by my pettiness over John the Baptist, and strengthened in the maturing Jesus, I read on. Jesus withdraws to Galilee upon hearing of John's arrest. His one utterance: 'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven has come near.' I am OK, I have repented; I am yours, Jesus, take me with you on your journey.

#8
Jesus invites two diciples (Simon Peter and Andrew) to follow him, and immediately they follow. Jesus teaches in the synagogues, proclaiming the good news and curing every disease and sickness among the people. (1:18-25) Great crowds follow him. It feels great.

#9
The beatitudes in the Sermon on the Mount reads like unifying slogans at a peace rally. 'The meek and the wretched, be glad! Be the light of the world! Let your light shine before others, so that your good works give glory to your Father in heaven.' My father in heaven. Our father in heaven. We, who are powerless to make good this life, are being named as Jesus' family. God is your Father - even as your own biological father disdains you for who you are. Be glad! Alleluiah!

#10
But Jesus tells us that he has not come to turn the worldorder upside down (5:17-48) - 'I have come not to abolish the law or the prophets, but to fulfill. His purpose is to see all of the law accomplished. And for that, we, the marginal, humble, meek, unfulfilled, must shine our righteouness upon the world for all to see. We can't however just be who we are, we have to repent and be ever more righteous than those whose business it is to be right and good. First, be reconciled with yourselves, and treat one another right - i.e., do not treat one another as the not-so-humble treat you. Be an example of how to treat the meek and humble well.

#11
Be careful not to be self-righteous; don't practice your goodness and piety in public view so that others will be impressed. Do them in secret, for the sake of the Father; let your lights shine for the Father; and be glad in yourselves. Pray humbly and meekly; do good humbly and meekly; and be glad in your hearts.

#12
ubi caritas ubi amor est The treasures you receive for your goodness, righteousness, kindness, meekness, humility... are in heaven; don't chase after material things that can only become old and worthless. But we need food and clothing and a warm and comfortable bed to sleep in. If we don't mind about these things, we will be left out on the streets! Won't we? Jesus says: trust in God; you cannot be anxious about your life's material upkeep and be transformed by faith. God or (material) life. The former will help you overcome sin (the sting / fear of death), the latter will only disappoint and frustrate. Be like the birds, the lilies, the grass. Do not worry, for God cares for you. I feel a bit like a small child who worries about her father's demotion or loss of income, and am told, don't worry (you can't help by worrying); leave it to us, your parents. You have your own things to take care of - grow and learn.

#13
And learn, we shall: do not judge; concern yourself with your own faults, not those of others; safeguard your treasures; ask for what you need, knock on doors that seem closed to you; do unto others as you would have them do to you; take the straight and narrow; beware of false prophets in sheep's clothing; know a good tree from its fruits; you must do all these things - for not all of you will enter the kingdom of heaven, just because you called upon the Lord for guidance and help. I feel further chastened - my work is cut out for me. I have a long way to go.

Matthew - humble beginnings

2006-11-27T12:53:00.000-05:00

Discovery #1:

The genealogy in the beginning (1:1-17) intimidates me. It somehow chastens me that I cannot just jump into receive the 'good news', that it took so long for the world to 'beget' Jesus, that somehow, I cannot jump in, as I am, to receive Jesus' word. I have to remember the history - all the kings, mostly bad ones, that Israel went through in order to arrive at Jesus. A gift, a much awaited gift. By then, knowing that human fallibility and tendency to sin had everything to do with the long wait, I am not sure about the 'good news'; it seems more apt to expect the wrath of God to descend on the failure that we are...

#2:
Jesus had fragile beginnings (1:18-25). He may not have even come into existence had not God had a helping hand to make it happen. (of course, God didn't only have a 'helping' hand, it was his plan to begin with; but with what fragile material reality God chooses to execute his plan! We humans are so good at covering all bases, just in case plans A, B, C don't work...) After reading this humble, humble beginning, I feel strangely strengthened in the baby Jesus; this baby will survive; he is going to be OK; he survived the worst of beginnings; nothing can get him now.

#3
In contrast to Jesus' magical, fragile beginnings, Herod's scehming seems like overkill - like using a machine gun to kill an ant. (2:1-18) 'Pretend you're giving homage to the child to ascertain his whereabouts so that I can destroy him!' What amount of violent resentment had to have been there to want to kill a humble little baby. Fear, somehow Herod knew the fear of God and responded in the wrong way. Somehow, Herod's big, overkill move in the wrong direction could only have ended in Herod's death.

#4
Humbly, Joseph takes Mary and newborn son to Galilee, because he was afraid of Archelaus, Herod's son who succeeded the throne. No overkill, just a humble move.

#5
John the Baptist strikes me at the start as a harmless crazy man. (3:1-12) The kind of crazy man that keeps you quietly amused in an uncanny way; sort of like the little man's hero; friend of the humble. '...one who is more powerful than I is coming after me; he will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and fire.' And Jesus, the one, appears. Suddenly, John doesn't seem so crazy any more. Even what he utters is reasonable and sensible: 'I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?' And the rest of us, spectators, want to drop to our knees; for calling John the Baptist a crazy man; we loved him, but made fun of him, and were only mildly amused by his calls to repentance. The dove descends on Jesus, ' This is my son, the Beloved with whom I am well pleased.'

#6
Jesus grows stronger. Even as he is tempted by the devil during his fast (4:1-11), I feel sure that Jesus will overcome. Fasting, Jesus says: 'one does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.' Again: 'do not put the Lord your God to the test.' And again: 'Worship the Lord your God, and serve only him.' All are scriptural quotes. Scripture is all he needed to overcome the temptations of hunger and fasting. Imagine saying that during a 40-day fast: one does not live by bread alone but by the word of God. I don't know that I can do that - it's accepting death as a real possibility, and refusing to give in to feed the fear. That's what it takes to overcome human cycles of sin. The sting of death is sin; scripture alone can remove the sting; and all you're left with is the possibility of death; no fear, no anxiety, peace of mind.